Incredible Tabloids

Archives : December 2009

Thursday 17 December 2009

‘Whack a banker’ arcade game is a hit

A new arcade game called Whack-a-Banker is proving a smash hit. The machine at the pier arcade in Southwold, Suffolk, features models of balding men in pinstriped suits popping up out of holes. For 40p a go, players try to thwack as many as possible with a mallet. “It’s proving very popular,” says inventor Tim Hunkin. “I keep having to replace the mallets.” 

Thursday 17 December 2009

Nobody expects the Spanish jazz police

Armed police rushed to a Spanish jazz festival last week, after an audience member complained that the music wasn’t quite jazzy enough. American saxophonist Larry Ochs was on stage when the Spanish Civil Guard received the emergency call. An unnamed jazz buff – who claimed that his doctor had warned him it would be “psychologically inadvisable” to listen to contemporary music – complained that Ochs’s experimental playing had slipped into a modern style. The khaki-clad police, carrying pistols, listened to Ochs’s set and concluded that the purist had a point. His complaint against the organisers, who had refused to refund his ticket, will now go to court.

Thursday 17 December 2009

From ashes to mashes

A bereaved American has described the “nightmare” of discovering that she had accidentally eaten some of her dead mother’s remains after they fell into her mashed potato. Lisa Blair, of Hamilton, Ontario, wears her mother’s ashes in a locket around her neck – but some leaked out during lunch. “I looked down and not only was it in my food, it was all down the front of my sweater,” she said. “I just feel my mum has no dignity.”

Wednesday 09 December 2009

Fake Poppy day ‘hero’

A man who marched in a Remembrance Day parade wearing an “impossible” array of medals has been exposed as an impostor. Roger Day joined 600 veterans for a parade through Bedworth, Warwickshire, wearing an enormous cluster of medals from wars throughout recent history, including the Korean war and the Gulf war. When suspicious officials at the event challenged him, he fled into the crowd. However, he still insists he won the medals while serving with the SAS. “I can’t give you any real relevant details,” he said this week. “I’m still tied under a lot of the Official Secrets Act.”

Wednesday 09 December 2009

France mourns an ageing lothario as tortoise dies

The French are mourning one of their most celebrated lotharios: Kiki the giant tortoise. Kiki, who died last week aged 146, lived at the Ménagerie du Jardin des Plantes in Paris, where he was famous for his enthusiastic lovemaking. Although he weighed nearly 40 stone and had to be moved about by forklift truck, he was popular with female tortoises, and his grunts could be heard from the other side of the zoo. “To be honest, from time to time I even saw him go after a wheelbarrow,” said a zoo vet. “You see what we were dealing with.”

Wednesday 09 December 2009

Indian man moves mountain to park truck

An Indian lorry driver used a hammer and chisel to tunnel his way through a mountain so that he could park outside his house. Ramchandra Das, 53, took 14 years to burrow through the mountain in Bihar, which was blocking the path to his house. “I had to leave my truck miles away, so I decided to do something about it myself,” he said.

Friday 04 December 2009

Man robs bank five doors from his home!

A bank robber was jailed for two-and-a-half years this week, after admitting that his criminal efforts had been “incompetent”. Christopher Walker, 19, had just been made redundant when he spotted a security van making a delivery to the Lloyds TSB bank opposite his house in Birmingham. He promptly covered his face with a T-shirt, picked up a stick and hit the security guard on the knee. He then snatched the box of money and ran across the road into his neighbour’s house. When police arrived, witnesses pointed to the relevant door, and Walker gave himself up without protest. “He admits that he has been stupid,” said his lawyer.

Friday 04 December 2009

Chinese guidelines offer shakey advice

Officials in Yunnan province, China, have issued guidelines for English-speakers on how to survive an earthquake. “If you are in a restaurant, you can squat down on the spot or grovel under a table,” it advises. “Grovel if you are in a karaoke bar. Or grovel beside a solid counter, and use newspaper to protect your head. After the shake stops, you must continue to grovel, then withdraw from safety passage orderly.” Above all, it suggests, “avoid jumping from a window or building by all means. This will cause pain.”

Friday 04 December 2009

You can’t slurry love!

A man with a sexual fetish for slurry has been jailed for 20 weeks. Truro Crown Court heard that David Truscott, 40, was apprehended after breaking into a farm in Cornwall, smearing himself with manure and performing a sex act. He recently served 16 weeks for a similar offence at the same farm, after he was discovered hiding inside a muck-spreader.

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