Incredible Tabloids

Archives : September 2009

Thursday 17 September 2009

Getaway driver with no arms crashes

A man with no arms who drove a getaway car for a gang of thieves has been given a 12-month suspended sentence. John Smith, 18, was born with no arms below the elbow – but this did not stop his fellow robbers, from north London, choosing him to speed them away from a £175,000 raid on an Essex jewellery shop last December. Maidstone Crown Court heard that Smith led police on a terrifying 100mph car chase for more than 30 miles, with his fellow gang members leaning over him to change the gears.

Thursday 17 September 2009

107-year-old Malaysian woman seeks 23rd hubby

A 107-year-old Malaysian woman is looking for a 23rd husband because she fears her current spouse - who is 70 years her junior - may run off with a younger model. Wook Kundor has been living without her husband Mohammed, 37, since he checked himself into a drug rehabilitation clinic in July. She fears that in her absence he could be tempted to look for a younger wife.

Thursday 17 September 2009

Flatulence in the First Degree

An Austrian man has been fined T50 for farting in front of the police. Hansi Sporer, 19, was standing near a group of officers while they questioned some youths at a music festival in his home town of Frohnleiten. “I suddenly had to let one go,” he said afterwards. “No one can fart on purpose, it just happened.” But the officers claimed he had deliberately humiliated them, and booked him under a local law to prevent the abuse of police. “This was no accident,” said a police source. “He clearly intended to make a laughing stock out of the officers and got what he deserved.”

Friday 11 September 2009

Festival ‘Poo Girl’ becomes reluctant star

A girl who got stuck in the lavatory at the Leeds Festival has become a reluctant star. Charlotte Taylor, 19, had accidentally dropped her purse down the long-drop temporary lavatory. “It had my iPhone, ticket and all my money in it,” she said. “If I had left it, I would have been stranded.” While reaching in to retrieve it she became stuck, head first. It took 20 minutes for firefighters to extricate her, covered in excrement. She duly took a shower, changed her clothes, and returned to the festival. There are now dozens of admiring web pages dedicated to Taylor, including The Official Poo Girl Fan Club on Facebook.

Friday 11 September 2009

Flying fish falls from sky onto hotel guests

Guests enjoying an evening drink at the Castle Hotel in Neath, Wales, were startled by a foot-long dogfish falling from the sky. The creature landed, still flapping, on a canopy above their heads. “In the end, the porter had to get it off with a brush and put it out of its misery,” said assistant manager Andrea Lewis. The fish was probably dropped by a passing osprey.

Friday 11 September 2009

One-way to fall out

A dispute between two mayors has resulted in a Parisian street being declared one-way in both directions. Conservative Mayor Balkany, of Levallois-Perret, wanted to divert commuter traffic out of his area, but his Socialist neighbour, Mayor Catoire, found this made matters worse in his area, so he declared his part of the road one-way in the opposite direction. Motorists stuck dutifully to the contradictory directions, and chaos ensued until the local prefect ruled in favour of Mayor Balkany.

Thursday 03 September 2009

Drunk pilot guided home after ‘losing’ airfield!

An amateur pilot got so drunk before taking to the skies above eastern Germany that he couldn’t find the runway which he was trying to land on. “Come on, I know you’re down there,” the inebriated airman radioed to Schoengleida airfield. “Where the hell have you hidden yourself?” He then sang a few songs, cracked a mother-in-law joke and told them to “pull their fingers out as I’ve got a party to go to”. The control tower scrambled a rescue helicopter which found the unnamed pilot’s Cessna plane 50 miles away, and led him back. He landed safely and staggered to his car before being arrested; he was four times over the limit.

Thursday 03 September 2009

Fury over children’s ‘pornographic’ sweet wrappers!

A sweet firm has come under fire for featuring fruity characters apparently engaged in sexual acts on its wrappers. Simon Simpkins, of Pontefract in Yorkshire, said he was shocked by the “porno” poses when he bought Haribo’s Maoam sour candies for his two children. “The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter,” he told The Sun. “The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face. I demanded to see the shop manager and, during a heated exchange, my wife became distressed and had to sit down in the car park.”

Thursday 03 September 2009

Group to save pets after the Rapture!

An atheist group in the US is cashing in on the popular notion of the Rapture - the idea that pious Christians will be carried up to heaven in a sudden swoop, leaving unbelievers on Earth to endure the anti-Christ’s seven-year reign. Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is offering the services of a group of certified sinners and blasphemers, who will take care of the dogs and cats left behind on Earth, in return for a small fee.

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